Make It Count
by Meesh
Summary: My interpretation of the conversation before Ilos between Shepard and Kaidan. Lots of unapologetic Shenko fluff!


Hello, everyone! This is a quick blurb I was inspired to write a bit ago, courtesy of a lovely friend of mine. She gave me a small prompt and this insight into my personal femShep's mind before Ilos was born. As always, _please, please, __**please**_ leave some feedback! It helps me grow as a writer, and growth is always good! :3

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_Tap, tap, tap, tap._

Metal clicked against plastic as she drummed her tags on the desk. She couldn't believe what had just happened. While she always prided herself on being able to do the right thing, make the hard decisions, Shepard couldn't help but shake the feeling that she didn't even deserve to wear her uniform anymore. They mutinied: disobeyed direct orders and stole a ship. Sure, it'd be given back assuming they all lived through this, but they still took it – that was stealing.

The Alliance may not see it her way, ever, but she knew deep down that this was the _right _thing to do. The Reapers _were _coming and if she didn't stop them, the entire galaxy was at risk. She couldn't spend her time following stupid orders like a trained monkey. At the mental cue of Reapers, her eyelids began to flicker and she couldn't help but feel the blood begin to drain from her face as a few more Prothean images flashed through her mind. She really hoped that would stop one day…maybe not until the Reapers were actually dead. _One more reason…I need to stop them._

Kaelia's fingers curled around the edges of the desk as her mind fought to keep the vision from taking over again. She tried to think of something, anything, to veer her consciousness back on track. It was like trying to swim through mud, against the current. _Need to get…down to the floor…don't want to pass…out and hit…my head…_

Shepard groaned and started to push out her chair. As much as she hated showing any kind of weakness to her crew, she found herself wishing she wasn't alone right now. The last time she had one of these vision-related blackouts was shortly after Feros. Even more alien knowledge – the knowledge of an entire _race_ – crawling around inside her head was too much for her to handle. After her message to the Council ended, she swayed on her feet and everything went black. She almost immediately woke up, noticing that someone caught her before she hit the ground. It was Kaidan.

_I wish he was here right now._ No, wait. That was a bad thought. She'd already gotten too close to him; starting to _need _him would be the last nail. The all too recent memory of his body pressed against hers, lips so close she could nearly taste them, was potent enough to finally push the Prothean hallucinations away. She blinked a few times as her mind pieced itself back together; problem was…now she couldn't stop thinking about the near-kiss with her lieutenant. She wasn't sure which was worse.

As she sat back in the chair, her chest tightened with…sadness? Fear? In a few hours, they could all very well be dead. It's not like it was the first time she'd ever been in the position of "probably dead soon," either…but the thought had never bothered her before. She'd had no real regrets in life, and she would die a soldier. Shepard was quite comfortable with her role in life – until now. There was something in Kaidan's eyes that made her want more. Not just more of _him, _but more of life. The promise of actually feeling alive. After years of expecting to die at any moment and never giving it a second thought, it dawned on her that she was actually scared to lose something now.

Regs had kept her from actually acting on the relationship she and her subordinate had accidentally fallen into. It really was an accident, too: neither dared to ask for more than their late night conversations. They were both extremely careful to stay neutral, to put the job first. Marines first, soldiers second, humans last. She'd managed to stave off similar situations in the past, but she quickly learned that that just wasn't happening with Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. She'd read stories about how a single touch or wayward glance could send a shock straight to your soul, but Kaelia had always dismissed it as poetic license. She was very wrong. Just by being himself, he always managed to give her the right look, ask the right question, say the right thing; it was inevitable, she fell for him and she fell for him hard. She had come to need his quiet, steady presence.

She twirled the datapad on her desk as she thought. Even if they _were_ successful, there was a good chance every single person aboard this ship would find themselves court-martialed in pretty short order. That thought made her a bit sick; there were good people, _very _good and loyal people on this ship. She knew that every single one of them trusted her implicitly, trusted that their mission was the right thing to do, but it still hurt to know she wasn't just risking her own career on this move.

Shepard's mind drifted across the worst case scenarios: court-martialed, jailed, dead. She groaned and gently laid her forehead on the desk. Every option she could come up with seemed to give her the same conclusion. Regardless of whether she followed her instincts and went to go find him _or_ hid in her cabin, she would probably never have the opportunity again. Was it worth the risk? Was _he_ worth the risk? She didn't indulge in sex or relationships casually. It wouldn't be just a one night stand to her; it would be admitting that she had fallen for him.

Her eyes closed. She may have never known her parents, but people still looked out for her when she was younger. Unfortunately, her main source of companionship was a gang. They weren't _all _bad; just most of them. Shepard grew close to one of her fellow street rats, a rough young woman named Maliha. While they claimed they looked out for each other, Maliha was the one who really looked after her younger friend.

One time many years ago, Kaelia was lamenting over who she was certain was her one true love, the man she was meant to be with forever. Maliha would have none of it, of course; she sat the fiery redhead down and asked her one simple question. _If he died tomorrow, would your soul die with him?_ Young Kaelia Shepard had easily shaken her head at the time and scoffed at how overdramatic the question was. As she thought about her biotic subordinate, the older Commander Shepard wasn't so sure of her own answer. The thought of him being ripped away managed to emotionally gut her. _When_ did she begin to need him…?

As if on command, the door hissed open. Her eyes shot open, body immediately lifting itself from the chair to face whoever had just entered unannounced. Something in her chest tightened when her eyes adjusted to the light and Kaidan's form came into focus. His husky voice floated to her, quiet and nervous.

"Commander?"

Her door slid shut behind him as he took another step into the room. The use of her rank brought back to the forefront everything she had just worked through. _This time tomorrow, he might not be calling you 'Commander.' _She fidgeted in her uniform, taking a small step away from the desk. "You probably shouldn't be calling me that…hell, I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform…"

Black eyebrows quirked together as his arms crossed. "Yeah, hell of a thing; we broke our oath to defend the Alliance so that we could keep it." A concerned glance was thrown her way before he continued. "What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied…stole a prototype warship. If they want to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"

Guilt washed over her. He was right. They may have done the right thing for the galaxy, but if this didn't work out perfectly, everything was going to hell in a hand basket – and fast. And it would all be her fault. "I keep reminding myself we're doing the right thing." She paused to sigh heavily. "I don't believe me yet."

He gave her a soft, reassuring smile. "Well, if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here."

Her heart leapt when Kaidan gave her his support. She started to smile in response, but when he began to speak again, something in his voice changed. It was deeper, less formal. Her eyes dropped to his mouth, anything to avoid that gaze…well, that was a mistake. The air began to crackle with tension.

"It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If…things don't go well, I want you to know…" Bright green eyes widened as he stepped to cover the distance between them. Was he…? She looked up to him with surprise. Their eyes locked, and Mahlia's question echoed in her mind once more.

_If he died tomorrow, would your soul die with him?_

"…Well, I've enjoyed serving under you." He chickened out at the last moment; that was so him. She let herself drown in his gaze for a few heartbeats as the answer to her silent question rose to the surface.

_It would._

Kaelia had her answer. He was worth it all along, but she had been scared of letting herself become vulnerable. He was worth fighting for, worth taking a risk for. She took the final step forward and brushed her hand against his. A static discharge flickered between them, an exchange of small smirks following it. "Kaidan, you stopped being a subordinate a long time ago. Don't you think it's time to act like it?"

She saw hope in his eyes. Hope, and caution. He cleared his throat before answering. "Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard…but there are regs against fraternization."

_He wants to make sure I'm serious._ She nodded and gave him a small, tender smile. Deciding to just take the plunge, her hand rose to brush against his cheek. The feel of his stubble under her fingertips was intoxicating. His lips quirked into a wry smile of his own. "Heh, I suppose breach of protocol will be pretty far down the list of charges at our courts-martial." The joke earned him a fond grin.

"…You know what? You're right. About everything. I think about losing you and I can't stand it." Her heart skipped a beat when he gave his confession. "The galaxy will just keep going; everything, even the Reapers will come around again." He paused to brush some hair behind her ear. "But you and I…_we_ are important right now. This is what will never happen again: us. Shepard, you make me feel…human."

From any other person, at any other time, Kaelia would have snorted in derision. 'You make me feel human' wasn't exactly poetry, but there was something real in those five words when Kaidan said them. She understood what he meant. All the months of hiding their feelings, of being marines and soldiers before all else, had kept them from opening up. Right now, their eyes locked, in her private cabin on a stolen warship, hurtling toward near-certain death or exile, they _were _all that mattered.

The realization drove her to press her body against his, her arms snaking around to hold him close. He quickly reciprocated; she even felt his cheek rest on her hair. They stood silently wrapped in each other for a few minutes, simply enjoying the smell, the feel, the way they seemed to fit together perfectly. He shifted to kiss her hair. The simple gesture broke the last of her defenses. Her voice, pleasantly muffled by his chest, was soft for once. "Don't go, Kaidan. Stay here."

He gave one soft note of a chuckle. "Is that an order, Commander?" His voice's immediate change in tone from 'serious' to 'suggestive' threatened to drive her insane.

Kaelia's face tilted up, lips finding their way to his neck. She teasingly let them graze across the sensitive skin as she whispered what she would forever consider her sappiest moment. "Kaidan…you make me feel like I could take on the universe; and right now, I kinda have to."

Happy warmth flooded her as he laughed quietly. Kaidan pulled her back and immediately pressed his lips against hers. The moment they met sent a jolt down her spine. Everything made sense…this was where she belonged. It wasn't just hormones: she really loved him. Her arms slid up his chest, twining around his neck.

An eternity later, he broke the kiss and took a deep breath. His voice was even huskier than usual, thick with desire. "This can't change anything, Shepard. This…is a good crew; the finest I've served with. I don't want to mess it up."

She couldn't help it. She laughed. After months of stubbornly adhering to regs, they had finally admitted they cared for each other…and he was still making sure they weren't going to do anything stupid. The confused look he shot her only made her smile wider. It was so _him._ Instead of explaining, she plunged her fingers into his hair and yanked his lips to hers again.

They only had one night together, and she was going to make every second count.


End file.
